"Why You Have Headaches" or "Champagne, Mirabeau, and Mooseheads," in Just One Act

Cambridge weekend . . . . weekend you say? . . . . the last time I was up it went on from the opening of the fall drinking season, to Maundy Thursday . . . . yes and ended in the spring disinheritance . . . . weekend Indeed, why the Hoosick Whisick party itself wasn't over for eight days . . . . not until somebody found the last mural moosehead floating under Harvard Bridge and the plumbers had removed a stuffed badger from the innards of my open plumbing fixture . . . . a pretty notion of a weekend, just getting the, old grad back and doing a job on him . . . . what about my reputation? . . . . last year you know damn well you pushed me through the cold buffet in the Copley dining room . . . . yes and said I was cockeyed . . . . well maybe we had, but not enough to make a man fall through a cold buffet . . . . just gratuitously as it were . . . . yes and what about my job . . . . I can't go off on these toots the way you students . . . .

Very neat . . . . very pretty . . . . Shepley, Bullfinch, Abbott, Lowell, Abbott. Bullfinch and Shepley. . . .I hear the head tutor at. Dunster has an ice box. . . .the infant of Spain is that way . . . .whoops, dearie the frigid heir. . . . well, just a small bowful if Gale has it . . . .I tell you I'm off it. . . .practically . . . .where's the house named for the second president?. . . .Ohoooo. . . .I see . . . .hey, when, when, I tell you I'm off it....where the jesuchristo are my dress studs?. . . .where the ditto are my pumps?....has the head tutor also got pumps and studs for his tutees?....lousy I calls it....I thought all these English manors had acouts....battalions of varietry and that sort of thing ....well just one more before the fish eggs....very bad on an empty stomach ....oops, dearie, mind my bustle.... did you hear about Peter Arno and the bus boy from Sardi's?....well, it appears....it must be, I have it straight from Winchell....and he knows about that sort of thing....just one more before the fish eggs....Winter Place you aay?....I don't think they'll let us....you'll remember last time....the artichokes right through the transom onto Nick Stuhl....yes and Stogie threw oysters in the electric fan....well perhaps....just one before the fish eggs....ah, don't be a snitface....

Ah there Nick....ah, there Charlie .... and a very good evening to you too Walter....sure, filet Winter Place, and a lot of ice....no, you mug, in the glasses....this certainly seems like old times....you don't know how we old grads....who threw that?....who threw, it, I ask you?....right down my shirtfront crabmeat cocktail....somebody's going to get pasted....Ohoooo, did I?....I always said those forks were too small....well, happy days....and a great pleasure I'm sure.... hey, waiter....POP....Rheims....Epernay....hmmmm, the Widow Cliquot....POP....and very nice too, .... and how do you do Mrs. Astor.... POP....and he said that if we'd take two cases....oh, the Michigans is it? ....football? and all this time me thinking it was hockey....oh, well it all just goes to show one must keep abreast of the times....abreast, a breast of duckling....Mirabeau?....Eugenie?....sou cloche?....thanks I'll take mine with seltzer....sing a song of seltzer, sing a song of hey, waiter, how's for some more glasses?....yes, I know, but they just sort of slipped....some more of that fizzy magoozulum?....well, I don't mind....they say it's good for seasickness....CRASH....who fell?....it was not....I didn't....I never....oooooh, well perhaps....but I don't see....dammitall, it was the chair....they've had these trick chairs here for just years and years....what, the place is closing?....it's a dirty lie, they're just trying to get rid of us....they think we're cockeyed....closing indeed, why it's only....well perhaps....the Somerset....a good idea....hey, my hat,....no....no....don't....it isn't that kind....hey....oh well, it was getting sort of furry looking anyway....hey taxi....

OhOOOOO....ohoooo...my head....where's the asperine?....ohoooo,....where am I?....who am I?....there ought to be a law....what seems to have happened?....I didn't....I never....it must have been someone else....omigod....did we?....say it ain't so, Stogie, say it ain't so....omigod....right in the middle of the Somerset?....Morris dances?....charades?....did we really?....well this is absolutely the last time....where's the bromides?....I'm all of an aspen....the toots....the jitters....the screaming meemies....what do I seem to have on?....well this certainly adds the formal touch....white ties for breakfast....Beaunash please copy....why did we do it?....there really ought to be a law....oh, my head....who's this on the floor?....and who's this in the bathtub? and in the fireplace?....the day after Gettysburg....who got in a fight?....he did?....well he was stewed....I know because I saw him....serves him right....oh, so he went to jail too?....for driving a taxi around the Yard at six this morning?....with the cornet player from the Somerset band?....serves them both right....I will not....I haven't enough money....ball comes high around here....I won't do it....he has all our tickets?....omigod....ask the janitor if he'll run down to the station and find out if they'll take a cheque....take it away....take it away....I don't want any....I'm through with it I tell you. . . .no not just a little bit. . . .hair of the dog. . . . hair of the mamma dog. . . .well, I don't suppose I could feel any worse. . . . .hmmmm, not so bad. . . .I think I feel a little better. . . .does Arthur still send out ice?. . . .not such a bad idea. . . .come to think of it now I did have a pretty swell time last night. . . .of course I'm through with all that sort of thing. . . .still is there a dance tonight?. . .