The Jubilee Crime Wave

The days of the happy and cosmopolitan Jubilee are gone forever. It is impossible at present to effect an entrance without a birth certificate, a marriage license, or a writ of habeas corpus. Freshmen themselves can't get in. The rules have become so rigid that every year a small crime wave sweeps over Cambridge at Jubilee time. The following incidents were the result of last Friday's festivities:

Item: Mr. Joe Blevitch of the class of '66, while returning early Saturday morning from a G. A. R. celebration, came into accidental contact with the iron gate of James Smith Hall. Sergeant O'Malley of the Cambridge Mounted Police, suspecting an attempt to crash the gate, fired three shots at him and left him for dead. He was too.

Item: O. U. Apted '25 shamefully sought to bribe a Yard Cop to let him pass and was coldly and flatly refused. Mr. Apted was taken, after a slight fainting spell, to the Stillman Infirmary. He is still there.

Item: Max Squeezer '08 very nearly attained success last Friday night by calling out the Fire Department to assist him in effecting an entrance through the upper reaches of George Smith Hall. Owing to a slight deficiency in the twenty-third rung of the fire ladder, Mr. Squeezer is now almost a total loss to his class.

Item: Benny Tyte, very much Occ., ingeniously sought to land in the Smith quadrangle from a passing airplane. Unfortunately he took off just a mile too soon and may be found almost any time on top of the Lampoon building.

Item: The brothers Rosenblum 2G.B., were discovered smothered in a closet in Persis Smith Hall, where they had been quietly awaiting the Freshman celebration. (N. B. There is just a slight possibility that this last item may be left over from a previous Jubilee.)