LAMPY TO RAISE LOFTY ELM TO BEAUTIFY HOUSE

Lampy, convinced that his house needs improvement, has entered the hitherto untried field of arboreal decoration, and within a week Mt. Auburn Street will see an elm, seventy-five feet high rise in front of Lampy's sacred door.

The University's absurd publication owns a small triangle of the sidewalk in front of the building, and has concluded that the bricks there should be replaced by a tree.

Three types of greenery were considered, the elm, two poplars, or a cactus plant. The cactus plant was abandoned because in his wisdom Lampy decided it was too prickly and symbolical. The project of planting two poplars was rejected because poplars only last 30 years, and Lampy goes on forever. And so the elm was selected, long-living and symbol of eternal wisdom.